When Drugs Trump Children
I was the addict who chose drugs before my child. I was the addict who's rights as a parent were almost terminated. I was the addict who put my child in dangerous situations just to get high. I'm not proud of who I was but if I can shed light on this dark subject then I will bare my soul for the sake of it.
The moment I held my son in my arms was the happiest day of my life. Tears streamed down my face after 13 long hours of labor and 9 months of carrying him in my womb. Finally, I was able to hold my beautiful child, even though I only turned 17 four days prior, I knew I was ready for this. Someone to love me unconditionally in the world full of hatred. When I gave birth to my son, my plans were not to purposely turn into a full-blown drug addict and abandon him. All I wanted to do was love him and give him a better life than I ever had.
Unfortunately, in life one thing leads to the next and my reality started to crumble before my very eyes. One heartache after the other and physical pain to ice the cake made living life a nightmare. A series of abusive events that I was not expecting, and handfuls of pills shoved in my face to ease the pain helped aid my quick growing addiction. I never intended to hurt my son ever. He meant the world to me but all I could see was my pain. All I could see was if I took a pill I would be a better mom because I could play, clean and cook. I accepted a lie that pills would make me better, I truly thought they did. Physical pain handicapped me and emotional pain left me dead inside. I didn't care to look for healing that was too much work, only band-aids and quick fixes for this girl.
Eventually, my control of things spiraled down the drain and I was no longer able to care for myself or my son when I didn't have pills. The withdraws were something I never took into consideration. Although I loved my son, my pain was all I could see. I was selfish and I was hurting. I was sick mentally because I believed so many lies. I was using mind-altering drugs to fog the reality of my situation so consequences were never in the picture. Broke down, roach infested, dirty, abandoned houses, motels, evictions and so on. This was just the beginning of things for my son and I. I brought him along for the ride because I was selfish and I didn't think anyone else could do a better job. My heart was in so much pain because of my decisions that drugs were my only escape. Instead of changing the situation I thought digging deeper and deeper would help numb my feelings. I was right.
I know you are wondering, how could I say I loved my son if I put him through all this. You are right, even though I thought the love I had for him was pure, it was the opposite. It was selfish and self-seeking and wrongful, so I would say I was in love with the idea of love. I was in love with the idea of having a person who would love me despite my faults. I was looking for the love of Jesus in my child and when I came up empty handed I let the world and all things evil in. I wanted so bad to be loved and accepted that even before I started doing drugs I decided to bring a child into this world with wrong intentions and motives. I thought for sure I would be fulfilled by his sweet love, but when I was disappointed I went looking elsewhere.
So to answer the question of how can one put drugs before their children, maybe this can be your answer. We all look for satisfaction and love in people, places and things. When we do not find it in those said people, places, or things, we look for more and more until we are satisfied. Although my son loved me unconditionally, I still was unfulfilled because I wanted the love of a man, and then I wanted the love of my dad, and so on. I was searching for answers and for satisfaction and I was doing it from the wrong set of eyes. I set out to find love in men, drugs and everything the world said would make me happy. Seeking my own pleasures and wants before my child is something that I am not proud of, but it's also something that I have been forgiven for. I no longer carry the burden of how much I hurt him because I am free from guilt and shame. God has completely restored a right relationship between my son and I but if it had not been for what I went through I would have never been able to find my heavenly Father's love.
My life consisted of sad stories filled with pain and sorrow and I was all to easily blown to and fro. I chose my own selfish wants before my son's because I was a broken, abandoned, hurt little girl that never knew love. How could I love someone else if I myself never experienced love? As hard as it may be, try to see that person in your life who has left everything behind for drugs as someone who just needs love so desperately that they will leave their own children to try to find it. This love that I needed was a free gift that so graciously given to me despite my wrongs. It was so consuming that I was able to accept forgiveness for all the horrible things I put my beautiful son through. It is so unconditional that it is still teaching me how to love others without conditions. It is shaping me into a wonderful mother, wife, and friend because it was what I needed the whole time. It's what we all need. Being loved despite our wrongs has such a powerful grip that it is able to change lives if one would just believe.
Thank you for reading and please feel free to comment or email me. While my book will have further detail, this blog can only be a brief summary of the events of my past life. God bless you all.