Let's Just Be Honest
Updated: Jul 19, 2019
I am a mess. My life isn't well balanced, and I don't pre-plan things most of the time. I don't brush my hair every day and some days, ok most days I stay in my pajamas if I can help it. I think I have tried so hard to make this blog about helping people understand drug addicts and why we did some of the things we did, but in reality, I can only represent myself, my life, my story and what I went through. I want to give you a preview to what it will be like to read my book and this is pretty much it. It's just me, it's no fancy put together sentences that were drawn out with encyclopedias, it's definitely not Shakespeare, but it's me. It's my heart on a shelf written in black and white blotted out on paper for all to see. If it appeals to your heart then my job is done, if not then my job is still done. I can only be me and I can only be honest.
I'm not perfect, I fell many times after originally "getting clean" and although it was something that I used to regret, I don't anymore. Every step I've made in life has brought me to where I am today and for that I am thankful. Even the mistakes, trips, cuts and bruises. I spent many nights on my knees begging God to help me deal with everyday life without the use the drugs. Some days were easier than others, but I kept pushing and I kept praying. All I have in this life is Jesus and I stood on my belief that He loved me despite my failures. Sometimes my mistakes put me on a path of self-pity and kept me away from God in my prayer life. Although I couldn’t stay away for too long because He pursued me, He chased me, and He made sure I came running back to his arms where I always belonged.
I spent many years trying to prove myself to God in order to get the love that I thought I deserved. Although that was a conditional love that I fabricated in my mind. I thought if I had enough days clean and I went to enough meetings and I read enough or I sang loud enough that God would finally approve of me. I had no idea that God loved me without conditions. It didn't matter whether I never did another "work" for God or not, He loved me anyway. He loved me even though I used the day before, He loved me even though I had an addiction to pornography. He loved me in my selfish mess and He never once condemned me. His Spirit only convicted my heart and I was able to repent and allow His grace and mercy to change my life. It didn't happen overnight, it wasn't spontaneous. I had to only rest in Jesus and who is He is and what He did for me. I just didn't know it at the time.
I didn't have my dad around growing up so I was an orphan in my thinking process. I had no idea what it was like to just let Christ love me because I spent my whole life trying to earn people’s love. I spent 3 years trying to prove to God that I loved Him while I was denying Him the whole time with my actions. God just wanted my heart, not a piece but the whole thing. He wanted me to lay down every preconceived notion that I had about Him as a Father and who He was as God. I was still a broken human being even being "clean" from using needles for over 3 years. Just because I got clean I had to heal from issues in my past that so easily weighed me down. God gave me the ability to lay down all the hurt and pain that I experienced as a child and as an adult and leave all my baggage at the feet of Jesus.
Laying down things that I couldn't change was the best thing I ever did. God showed me that my life is meant for His glory and in order for me to operate as a Christian, I had to become a daughter and stop operating as an orphan. I had to receive the love of a Father that I never knew before and it was a beautiful mess. I cried and cried on my bedroom floor as I laid my heart bare before the King of the Universe and all He wanted was for me to say yes. He asked only if I was ready to be His daughter, and nothing more or nothing less. He didn’t tell me to accept Him as my Father because He knew it wasn’t what I needed to hear. Only to be His daughter because it took the pressure off me. I didn’t have to accept Him as the Father I never knew, but I had only to be still and become His. He took my fragile heart and spoke to it in a way that only He could without breaking it and it was beautiful. There was no way I ever imagined a few years ago, that I would be in love with Jesus the way I am now.
I became a daughter that day when I decided to say yes to the sweet gentle tug on my heart that was so beautiful words can't even describe it. I had a pure experience with God and it changed my life forever. Did it make my life perfect? Not by any means but it changed my heart in a way that will never be the same. To be honest, Jesus is all I have, He is the reason I am alive because my life as a drug addict should have been cut in half if you read the statistics. Instead, He chose to keep me alive, and I’m still on my journey to find out why. In the process, I will share my experience in hopes it could touch someone’s heart. Thank you for reading and God bless.