I Look Stupid
I'm kind of just winging this today. Every Wednesday I pray about what I should write, the topic, I go through the structure of the writing itself, I work on vocabulary and I think about what I should say to impress everyone. Today, I can't help but be transparent and honest because I've been going through a rough season. I've been facing quite a bit of adversity in my decision to become an author, and I want to express my feelings on the subject.
Most of you know I was a drug addict for 6 years and God pulled me out of that lifestyle and I started doing hair again. I loved doing hair, it was a passion hence the reason I went to school for it. It was a creative escape for me where I could be free to design. I met some amazing people who followed me for years and allowed me to cut, color and style their hair with my abilities. Doing hair was a challenge because I had to keep up with all the newest trends, but who doesn't like a good challenge right? It kept me on my toes and I learned from every mistake and eventually, I became a pretty good stylist with a good following. I did quit doing hair while I was pregnant with my daughter because of complications and pain. About 6 months after she was born my family and I moved and the new house gave an opportunity for a small house salon. So without hesitation or prayer, I went ahead and started purchasing items for the salon. With my family's help, I had everything I needed to start doing hair again.
Around this time money started to get tight for my husband and I because we purchased a new vehicle and the bigger house meant bigger rent, so of course, I do what I know best and provide for my family. I thought it was the right thing to do with money being tight and bills constantly rolling in without remorse. I had a thing about me called independence and with that comes lack of trust. I always had to fend for myself and never trusted anyone to get me where I needed to be except me. Unfortunately, this means I didn't trust God with the financial part of my life either. I only trusted in myself and what I could do to solve the problem because growing up in my shoes, money or the lack thereof was always a problem. I depended on myself and my ability to make money for whatever it was that I needed and although the Bible says that God is my provider I thought I was the ultimate provider. My mom always taught me never to depend on a man so when things started to look unstable, I stepped in to try and rescue myself. I didn't trust my husband's abilities or God's and I wanted to be in control of my own life.
Recently God told me through scripture, much much prayer, signs, and confirmations, to stop doing hair, focus on writing my book and trust Him and my husband. So you can only imagine how uncomfortable this made me, enough to ignore His command. Excuse me God but I don't think you know what you are talking about, I'm not sure if you know or not but those extra 500 bucks a month are much needed right now, so I think I'll keep my day job. I kept trying to do hair but over and over again I felt the need to stop. I don't know if you know God or not but He will literally make you so uncomfortable in a situation you have no choice but to move. So one day I finally decide to do what He said and stop doing hair and start focusing on my book. Let me assure you, this was no easy decision. To let go of my control and trust that God is who He says He is and then look stupid in front of everyone who doesn't understand, yeah this was exactly what I wanted [ I hope you can pick up on the sarcasm in my voice here]. I did what I was told anyway because I've seen God work in my life in ways that were impossible, so I had to be able to trust Him in this area, right? I'm still trying to convince myself.
So here is my point to all this, I don't know what God has planned for my life, and I don't know if I will be a best selling author or whether or not I'm educated enough, but I do know this, I am not compelled to do this for no reason. Since I was in kindergarten and wrote my first book that came in second place for being published with Reading Rainbow I have wanted to be an author. Maybe just maybe I had to go through everything that I went through so I could write a story, become an author and live out my dream here on this earth while prayerfully helping people come to know Christ in the process. I do know that I am not dumping all my personal business in a book for everyone to read just so I can have my name in lights, because between you and me I would rather keep my horrible past to myself. God has ordained me and put a necessity in my spirit to write my story and I know it may make me look stupid I get that, but I believe in a big God who performs miracles. For those who have said what I am doing is wrong and not God's plan for my life and for the ones who told me I'm not good enough and that I will not make it as an author because I don't have money or a bunch of professionals backing me, I forgive you. I know what it looks like because I am the one living it, I know my faith may make me look stupid but it did with many others before me and it will continue long after I'm gone.
As hard as this season in my life has been I do know that it is all for a reason. Hopefully, I will become an even better writer and gain stronger faith throughout it all. Even if that's what this is all about, then so be it. For those who have supported me along this way, I thank you from the bottom of my heart it means the world to me. I am thankful for the doubters also because they help me lean on God even more. Thanks for reading and God bless.