I Dont Trust God
How is it that me, a God-fearing Jesus loving woman, who lives solely for Christ, not be able to trust God? I will tell you. If you have ever found yourself in a situation where things out of your control made you cold-hearted towards people or the situation, you can most certainly relate to this. I am finding myself not trusting God when it comes to Him as my provider and it is making it very difficult when tough times fall. My heart has been so hardened by life that unbeknownst to me, I stopped trusting God even in my mature walk in the faith.
I listen to so many of my friends and family who have this surplus amount of faith. It seems that no matter what they are facing they just know God will get them through. It's funny how I am able to have that faith but only in certain areas of my life. As soon as financial trouble hit, and my husband and I have to push a bill or pay a late fee, it seems my faith disappears. Then I try to everything I could in my natural powers to rectify the problem. I cry and I accuse God of not caring for me or my situation, I try to make arrangements and do everything I can think of to handle it except seeking God.
While in a way it is a lack of faith, I had to take a deeper look at my past and ask myself why am I this way. Growing up, after my mom and dad's divorce, my mom had a very hard time supporting four young girls. We moved once or twice a year because we were constantly evicted for not paying rent. We never had stability and it carried over into my adulthood. Obviously with drug addiction comes homelessness or bad housing situations, because drugs come first. I suffered homelessness for many years and couch surfing and living in abandoned houses. I always knew this was part of the reason why I didn't trust God as my Provider but I did not realize the stone that grew around my heart because of it.
I prayed and cried out to God, prayed some more, cried, threw tantrums and blamed God for my lack of faith. I sat in pity parties that no one ever came to, and I wallowed in my hurt all by myself. One day recently after having to push back yet another bill, I lost it. I went into my room and I just cried. I shook my fist at the sky and the enemy of my soul told me that God wants me to remain poor so I can always depend on Him and that I will never break free from poverty because I'm cursed. All kinds of lies and whispers surmounted in my head, and I started to believe them as the reality of not having enough money devoured me. The next day, as I was reading a child's devotional to my one-year-old, I read something that I've read probably a thousand times over. Never did the words that were so beautifully and precisely written cut me to my heart the way they did before this day.
It was this scripture, "Listen! Behold, a sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seed fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured it. Other seed fell on rocky ground, where it did not have much soil, and immediately it sprang up, since it had no depth of soil. And when the sun rose, it was scorched, and since it had no root, it withered away. Other seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it, and it yielded no grain. And other seeds fell into good soil and produced grain, growing up and increasing and yielding thirtyfold and sixtyfold and a hundredfold." And he said, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear." Mark 4:3-9. Then the little book went on and said that the ground is our hearts and the seed is the Word of God and some people's hearts are hard and the seeds can't grow there. The seed of the Word that says God is my Provider and knows my every need before I even ask, could not take root in my heart because it was turned to stone. I was not able to be molded or shaped or transformed by the Word because of my hardened heart.
I always thought that I had fully given Jesus my whole heart. I fully trusted him with my husband, my addiction, and my children but I just couldn't trust Him with my money. I never put two and two together until I read a few simple verses that I have read a million times. Only to be totally renewed the million and one time around. Thank God that He can speak even through children, and thank God that I was not "too mature" to hear a Word from a children's book! I prayed that day and I asked God to truly soften my heart in this area of my life. I cried. I repented and I believe with all my heart that God is softening me where life's hurts and hang up's left me hardened.
God wants us to fully rely on Him. Not just in some area's that we pick and choose either. That doesn't mean He is going to leave us in our current situation or in our current mind frame. The Word is meant to cut us to the heart and change us and renew us from the inside out. God couldn't move in my situation until I fully trusted that He was my Provider. He had to wait for me to give Him my will and my heart so He could move in a mighty way. I'm not sure what that is just yet or what it looks like but I trust He has a plan. I will continue to learn, walking every step of my life out with God no matter how hard or gut-wrenching it may be. So to all who are struggling with trusting God over a certain area of your life, try asking Him to reveal to you what is the reason, and see what happens.
Our God is alive, and He is real and He wants a relationship with you, not religion. Be blessed today.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding."