Being Addicted To Unhealthy Relationships
My addiction was not just to drugs but to men also. Not just any men though, they needed a few characteristics in order for me to be with them. Number one, they had to be codependent on me and vice versa. Number two, they had to accommodate my drug addiction in some way. Number three, they had to abuse me either mentally or physically. Now I know you might be wondering, where these things really on her list as far as looking for a man? The answer is yes, I just didn't know they were on my list until it was too late. I only saw that they were attractive, they had either drugs or money, and they weren't afraid to put me in my place, which at the time was sexy.
I have been in what I consider four actual relationships in my life and not one of them was healthy. My son's father was my first and he was an alcoholic who abused me mentally and he was a cheater. My next one was also an alcoholic, drug dealer and cheater who occasionally hit me. The next was almost the worst, he was a drug addict and a dealer but he abused me in ways that were so volatile it's hard to talk about. He was mentally and physically abusive as well as a cheater also. Then my last relationship was the most unhealthy. We were completely codependent upon each other the moment we met. He did drugs and so did I. He was a liar, cheater, manipulator, and an abuser. I think they all were but he was more extreme than the rest. They all broke parts of me that were never meant to be broken. They all tore my heart into shreds and had absolutely no remorse in the process. They all brought me to my lowest point as a human being. I never thought I would be able to see myself as beautiful, or lovely, or that anyone would ever want me due to the terrible abuse I endured over the years.
How could one ever see themselves as someone worthy of love when one never received love, to begin with? I heard something the other day that made so much sense, and it said, "Love itself didn't hurt you, people who didn't know how to love hurt you." This was so profound to me because so many times I blamed my hurt and pain in the name of love but the whole time it was the person, not love itself. Love... love itself wouldn't do anything to hurt others, PERIOD. It took a long time before I realized that I might be worthy of love. I have to say I'm thankful for all the years of abuse because I was able to see exactly what love was by seeing first-hand everything it wasn't. It took years to take off the lies that I was ugly, not good enough, worthless, disgusting, too skinny, and too many other names to even divulge. Years of affirming myself that I was good enough and beautiful was not easy but it was worth it.
I went on a journey with a Man who called me lovey and told me I was His beloved. I never imagined someone could be so deeply in love with me that not even death would stop Him from showcasing His heart for me. I was pursued, which although something I was used to, this time it was by a gentleman. He didn't force me to love him, and he didn't use manipulation to get me to stay. He was kind and gentle, and He asked ever so sweetly if I would allow Him to love me. He saw through my shame and my broken heart and He looked past the number of men I laid with and not once did bring up my past. He went straight past my insecurities and spoke to the depths of my heart. He held my hand as I released the pain and frustration of never being good enough for the men that I thought were everything. He held me in His arms and gently wiped away the tears of distrust and guilt. He showed me what real love was, and for the first time in my life I felt good enough despite all my wrongs, I felt lovely despite others words of hatred, I felt wanted in exchange for the years of rejection. For the first time in my life, I was at peace with who God created when I looked in the mirror. I was enough and I was loved.
From that moment on I knew I would never indulge in an unhealthy relationship again. I spent 3 single years of my life making mistakes and learning from them, but ultimately gaining insight to who God wanted me to be. Respect, love, happiness, and peace are not too much to ask for in a relationship. Long gone are the days of disrespect and lying and manipulation. I thank God I was able to see the light in the darkest of situations and was able to come out on top. I know who I am now, and I will never settle for less again.